Just had a fine remembery from last evening's date with Junior Gorg...

We somehow got on the topic of turtles. He disclosed to me that he currently has three pet turtles - the miniature kind that you get in Chinatown. He proceeeded to tell me about his pet snapping turtles from a few years back.

Apparently, there were two regular-sized snappers and one runt. The two regular-sized ones were not very kind to the runt. I guess they picked on him, wouldn't let him join in any of the snapping turtle games. And then they went as far as biting off his tail before Junior moved Runt to its own little bucket. One day, Junior went away on a trip and when he returned, he found that a window in his living room had somehow been broken and the heating lamp for the two regular-sized turtles had been broken. And on top of that, due to the broken window, a wintery blast had been assaulting the two snappers for several days on end. Needless to say, the two regular-sized turtles met their frosty demise. And Runt lived to tell the tale.

But wait... it gets even better.

Years later, Junior took Runt to the vet. "You see," he told me, "turtles have holes. Male and female. And all of their functions take place from these holes." It seems as though Runt was very well-endowed. And when male turtles get aroused, their little turtle willies poke out from the hole. But Runt's got stuck in the OUT position. And so he couldn't poop.

Junior took him to the vet for an enema and penisectomy. Mercifully, Runt did not survive the procedure - he passed away from the anesthesia. Junior asked the vet for the turtle's remains. And he has had them for the past five years. In his freezer. Where they await their Viking funeral.

I could not make this up if I tried.