Friday, November 11, 2005

Is is bad to go on a date with a guy you're broken up with? What if you don't hate him? What if you broke up simply because you don't really wanna have to deal with having a boyfriend? Does this make me selfish and evil? I like the fun parts of the relationship: dinners, movies, walks in the park, holding hands and yes - sex. But I could no longer deal with the bullshit. And especially while we were living together...

Worrying about when he'll get his shit together enough to pay the bills. The fact that he was laid off from work back in August and STILL hasn't gotten another job, but is plotting to make his millions on eBay. How very unimportant his relationship with his kids seemed to be. What's weird is: all these things - while in the midst of the relationship - were justifiable. He managed to convince me that these things were all somehow OKAY. And how is it that I - a fairly intelligent human being - could be so blind to it all?

Last night sitting across from him at dinner, hearing his latest "big ideas" (pimping out a van and spending a year driving across country, building his eBay creations out of it and not having to worry about paying bills or rent) combined with his "reality" (owing Ex-Wife #1 over $20,000 in child support arrears, and being threatened with the loss of his passport) it dawned on me that either:

A. I am not as intelligent as I thought, or
B. Love has the power to blind

Possibly a little bit of both. But for the first time, I truly felt a sense of pity for him. And not the usual pity which was more like sympathy - buying into his views of how the world was screwing him. No, this pity was a genuine nature. Of realizing someone is not who you thought they were. And possibly the realization that things truly are over, as now it's all so blatantly obvious. A sadness. A closure.

We finished out the date. Went and had coffee. He told me about some of the miserable dates he's been on since we've split. It wouldn't enter my mind to tell him about the men I've met. It would kill him - he'd stop me and tell me, "I really don't wanna hear this" - although I didn't stop him. I let him tell me these things, knowing he was doing so to try to hurt me - but not feeling hurt by it. Just pity.

We sat through a movie. He held my hand. I'd catch him glancing over at me, reaching out to stroke my hair. I realized that being with him - even as friends - was worse than no contact at all. And writing this out loud, I am saying "Well DUH!" as I know anyone reading this is also saying. I won't be selfish anymore. He deserves to be free.

No comments: