LUNCH DOOTY.

At my school, teachers are required to do "Lunch Duty" once a week, meaning we pair up to supervise the kids in the cafeteria and on the playground (we're one of the few remaining middle schools in which our kids still get to have recess every day).

It's really not a bad deal, having "Dooty" once a week. In many schools, teachers are assigned a daily duty period wherein they are planted in a hallway or something - just sitting there - every single day. So I don't complain. Besides, I have 6th grade lunch duty on Fridays with my dear friend, P.McQ. And we have lots of fun.

Our cafeteria staff consists of three people: an ancient husband and wife team, Frank & Connie, and a 40-something Russian lady named Eva.

Frank wears a very bad toupee. He has more than one, and I like to note when he has on "a new hat." Connie is a miserable woman whose greatest pleasure in life comes from yelling at Frank. Eva likes to swear.

A couple weeks ago, Connie complained to our school principal that the kids in the lunch line get too rowdy and that the teachers on duty should stand there and supervise the line. So the other day, I stood near Connie and the cash register to make sure the kids didn't act up. And man, I was like The Lunch Nazi.

"Single file! Unfold your money! All the bills should face the same way!" I ordered. Connie loved it. And I think she loved having someone there next to her so she could complain about her sciatica every time she had to get up to pour a kid a slushy.

A couple weeks ago, Connie came out into the main part of the cafeteria to find the supervising teachers.

"Where's the kid who lost the dollar?" she growled.

Naturally, we had no idea what she was talking about. We learned that one of the kids had put a dollar in the soda machine the day before and had gotten nothing in return. P.McQ and I started asking around. The kids ID'ed one of the boys, and I approached him.

"Johnny, did you lose a dollar in the machine yesterday?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Cause all the kids are saying it was you."
"..."
"Johnny?"
"..."
"Did you lose a dollar yesterday?"
"I'm afraid the lunch lady is going to hurt me."

Johnny got his dollar back. And after the kids went out for recess, Connie took her anger out on Frank. She berated him for caving and giving the kid the dollar back. She had him make a sign that read: 'No crumpled dollar bills' and he put it on the soda machine.

"Focking keedz," Eva added.

And it was clear that neither Frank nor his Friday toupee would be getting any loving that night.