Mmm - maybe not what it sounds like. I am still heterosexual. But I have gained a whole new perspective on, and appreciation for sex. I think I finally 'get' what the big deal is.
I was a bit of a late bloomer, sexually. I waited until I was 24. Not sure what my reasoning was for this - certainly not religious or anything. I think it was largely fear-based. All the 'evils' of sex pounded into my subconscious during years of Health class - pregnancy, disease, etc. Maybe part of it was due to my poor body-image. Maybe part of it was due to the fact that I didn't date anyone who I had tremendous feelings for. Whatever the case, I waited.
My 'first' was a guy who was significantly older than me. Like ... 30 years older. Oh, and he was married. Doesn't take a certified psychoanalyst to figure THAT one out I guess. But I have to say it was a great experience. And in that sense, I have no regrets cause my first time was with someone who really knew what he was doing (one would hope so after all those years) and it put me at ease.
The whole situation was exciting - albeit a very unrealistic one. It was a new thing for me: being put on a pedestal, being wooed by this wealthy, Richard Gere-looking guy. But after a while I started to feel not so good about it. I felt like I deserved something more REAL. So in the end, it was me who put the kibosh on it.
For the next few years, I dated a lot and had a lot of mediocre sex. But I wasn't a slut or anything -- never did much whorin' around (aside from the one one-night-stand of my life with the Austrian busdriver, Gunter ... that has potential to be its own blog entry). Sex was -- eh.
Sex with The Brit was very good in the beginning. And I now know it's because I had very real feelings for him, I believe he may have been my first real love. He was an extremely physical person, and I think he helped me to get over a lot of insecurities. Alas, as the relationship became rocky, I no longer enjoyed the sex. Nothing physical had changed - but emotions did - and that changed everything. Sex became an act of control on both parts - it was not good. I even started seeing a therapist to find out what was wrong WITH ME -- why I couldn't get into it with him.
Post-Brit sex returned to mediocrity (as mentioned in prior entries) and frankly, I was pretty okay with giving it up altogether.
But then I met HIM.
And not to blow HIS horn or anything (innuendo, yes - I like those) but sex has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning. I don't wanna go into too much detail - this is a family show, after all. But just THINKING about sex with HIM gives me butterflies in my stomach. I'll be in the middle of teaching a class of 7th grade saxophones or something and just have a remembery and get all flustered. It's WRONG! And it's GREAT!
I finally feel normal. For the longest time, I thought women who said they enjoyed sex were full of crap. Like they were only SAYING that - cause no one actually enjoys it. Like opera. Does anyone actually ENJOY listening to opera? Hell, maybe after this big revelation I ought to give "Il Pagliacci" another shot.
1 comment:
Fabulous post.
I was 22. I lived in the girls dorm in college my freshman year and met a group of like six girls and we spent all of our freetime doing college-kid stuff and it never really occurred to me that I was a virgin and that in addition to forming friendships and learning stuff and being an adult also involved perhaps exploring sex. They graduated in 4 years and it took me 5. I crammed all of those missed opportunities into that year that I was alone.
And like 90% of it was very bad to very mediocre. But I have no regrets. You've gotta know what bad is to really appreciate good, I think. I married one of the good ones, and it only gets better.
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