ALL IN A DAY'S WORK

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart. And today being the last day of school before Mid-Winter Recess, I decided to surprise my "Period Zero" Band class with a treat: breakfast. So this morning I stopped at the local Dunkin' Donuts and picked up a few boxes of munchkins and swung by the local bagelry for a couple dozen bagels. Hell, I even bought JUICEBOXES!

Needless to say, the kids were very pleased. NOTE: If you ever need a kid to do ANYTHING, bribing them with copious amounts of food - especially sugary food - usually does the trick. As they were enjoying the bounty, I begged them to please just kinda sit and relax, and to make sure they don't make a mess.

Ha.

About 15 seconds later, I see a group of sixth-grade boys jumping at one of the basketball hoops - we rehearse in the "gymatorium" - while another boy went to get a long-handled broom. I made my way over to them just as he was about to start poking at the net with the broom.

"Come on guys, why can't you just sit down and relax for a few minutes? What are you doing?"
"We're trying to get that down", replied one kid, pointing up where a juicebox was lodged between the backboard and the net.
"Why is that there? How did that possibly get there?"
"John threw it up there."
"Is it full or empty?"
"It's full."
"Why would John throw a full juicebox into the basketball net?"



-- Here's where an obvious and almost acceptable answer of: "we were playing ball" might fit in. But that would make sense. Instead I got --

"To get Matt's retainer down."
"..." [me - dumbfounded.]
"...did you get it?"
"Yes."
"...um.. Well done."

I decided they should just leave the juicebox up there and see how long it takes for someone else to notice. I think it would be kinda funny if it were still up there when these kids are 8th graders.

And so in case you were wondering why teachers get all these weeks of break off from school, this is why. Welcome to my world.

WHEN I RULE NORTH AMERICA ...

I will institute a mandatory daily siesta period.

A siesta is a short nap taken in the early afternoon, often after the midday meal. Such a period of sleep is a common tradition in hot countries. The word siesta is Spanish, from the Latin HORA SEXTA - "the sixth hour" (counting from dawn, therefore noon, hence "midday rest").

It's the same story every day: I get in my car to drive home after a full day at school and as soon as my ass hits that car seat, I want nothing more than to crawl into bed. Seven years teaching and this feeling has not lessened. My body has not "adapted" to getting up at the ungodly hour of 5:21 and turning on the juice for 50 kids at 7:00AM P.C. (that's Pre-Coffee, my friends).

Recently, I've been giving in all too often. Sacking out for an hour in the middle of the day, when the rest of the workforce is in full-swing, keeping the world running smoothly. I wake up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and full of shame, promising that tomorrow I will make it through the day without a snooze. I know it's an evil cycle and I'm only feeding the habit.

But perhaps I should not feel guilty for my 3:00PM "crash" and subsequent nap. There has to be some sort of validity to this whole Circadian rhythm stuff. Could entire nations of people be wrong? Granted they're mainly South American countries -- they tend to be laid back folk. But India and China too? Could such a large chunk of Asia be considered lazy?

I think we'd all be a little better off for hauling out the nap-mats. Perhaps the world might be a better place.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM THE SOUP GODDESS.

Not too big a sucker for this Capitalist holiday, although I am certainly grateful to have someone wonderful with whom to share it. Shout out to HIM: "I love YOU!"

Other than that, fighting off a cold and a cough so drastic it's actually left me with aching ribs. Do you know that people have actually cracked ribs from coughing so much? This idea frightens me.

Last night I made my first-ever BIG POT OF SOUP and it kicked ASS!! It was a vegetable and chicken broth-based soup full of cabbage, onions, carrots and a bunch of other healthy goodies. And it was actually really frigging good! Perhaps I've found my true calling?

Hope your day is a good one - full of warmth, love and gas-inducing cuisine.

SNOW WHAT?


Just settling into The Grotto after a fine weekend - particularly the last 24 hours spent snowed-in with HIM. We got hit with the "Big NJ Nor'Easter" and were forced to snuggle up, drink lots of wine, eat lots of junk food, and watch lots of movies. HE subjected me to 'Star Wars', and I retaliated with 'Bridget Jones'.

Sometime around 4PM we decided to brave the elements, and this wonderful man drove me back home and proceeded to help me dig out both my car and my Mom's - all the while enduring my incessant whining about how cold my hands were, and how much snow just sucks in general.

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this relationship - certainly nothing worthy enough in this lifetime. Maybe in a past life I voluteered to work on the Underground Railroad, or hid some Jews during the Holocaust. Whatever it was, I am certainly reaping the benefits today.

HUMILITY.

This is one of those things I probably shouldn't share, but I feel compelled to, nonetheless.

*Ahem* Here goes ...

On weekdays, it is my habit to set my alarm clock for 5:21 AM. This way, I allot myself nine minutes of snooze time, and then I am up at 5:30. This morning when my alarm went off at 5:21, I realized that I reeeeeally had to pee. But I was determined to get my full 9 minutes of snooze. So as I lay there - enjoying the warmth of my bed while simultaneously fighting with my bladder - I turned my head and saw A GIANT FUCKING SPIDER on my pillow.

This was no Daddy-Long-Legs or little, brown ceiling spider. This was a miniature tarantula -- a 'hard' arachnid that wouldn't crush lightly in a Kleenex.

Suffice to say, the shock of finding it beside my head - in my semi-lucid state - led me to attempt to leap out of bed. But not before my way-too-full bladder failed me.

Just a little. But enough.

I didn't find the spider. I balled up my wet, insect-ridden sheets and carried them shamefully up to the laundry room. Luckily my Mom was already up to witness my ascent.

"Should I ask?" she said.
"Please don't", I replied.

WHAT TEACHERS DO IN THEIR FREE TIME

1) We send each other e-mails about kids:

"Oh My God, I'm gonna puke..."Timmy" just took his shoe off in Math class...it smells like hot buttery ass. February Break can't come soon enough for me."

- Courtesy of D, who teaches 7th grade Special Ed.

OFFICIAL SEX CONVERT


Mmm - maybe not what it sounds like. I am still heterosexual. But I have gained a whole new perspective on, and appreciation for sex. I think I finally 'get' what the big deal is.

I was a bit of a late bloomer, sexually. I waited until I was 24. Not sure what my reasoning was for this - certainly not religious or anything. I think it was largely fear-based. All the 'evils' of sex pounded into my subconscious during years of Health class - pregnancy, disease, etc. Maybe part of it was due to my poor body-image. Maybe part of it was due to the fact that I didn't date anyone who I had tremendous feelings for. Whatever the case, I waited.

My 'first' was a guy who was significantly older than me. Like ... 30 years older. Oh, and he was married. Doesn't take a certified psychoanalyst to figure THAT one out I guess. But I have to say it was a great experience. And in that sense, I have no regrets cause my first time was with someone who really knew what he was doing (one would hope so after all those years) and it put me at ease.

The whole situation was exciting - albeit a very unrealistic one. It was a new thing for me: being put on a pedestal, being wooed by this wealthy, Richard Gere-looking guy. But after a while I started to feel not so good about it. I felt like I deserved something more REAL. So in the end, it was me who put the kibosh on it.

For the next few years, I dated a lot and had a lot of mediocre sex. But I wasn't a slut or anything -- never did much whorin' around (aside from the one one-night-stand of my life with the Austrian busdriver, Gunter ... that has potential to be its own blog entry). Sex was -- eh.

Sex with The Brit was very good in the beginning. And I now know it's because I had very real feelings for him, I believe he may have been my first real love. He was an extremely physical person, and I think he helped me to get over a lot of insecurities. Alas, as the relationship became rocky, I no longer enjoyed the sex. Nothing physical had changed - but emotions did - and that changed everything. Sex became an act of control on both parts - it was not good. I even started seeing a therapist to find out what was wrong WITH ME -- why I couldn't get into it with him.

Post-Brit sex returned to mediocrity (as mentioned in prior entries) and frankly, I was pretty okay with giving it up altogether.

But then I met HIM.

And not to blow HIS horn or anything (innuendo, yes - I like those) but sex has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning. I don't wanna go into too much detail - this is a family show, after all. But just THINKING about sex with HIM gives me butterflies in my stomach. I'll be in the middle of teaching a class of 7th grade saxophones or something and just have a remembery and get all flustered. It's WRONG! And it's GREAT!

I finally feel normal. For the longest time, I thought women who said they enjoyed sex were full of crap. Like they were only SAYING that - cause no one actually enjoys it. Like opera. Does anyone actually ENJOY listening to opera? Hell, maybe after this big revelation I ought to give "Il Pagliacci" another shot.

YEAY! I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

Yeah, so I'm a dork - and? True, most people might find it annoying to get tagged, but I'm flattered. It actually gives me a glimmer of hope that more than one person (me) reads this blog. And although the benefits of being tagged are not as bountiful as that of the dishtowel chain-letter (from which I amassed 11 dishtowels) - it does give me something to write about. So here goes...

DIRECTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following lists and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot:
1) Marginal Utility
2) Sarah With No H
3) Just Thoughts
4) I Am Prepared to Give Up at Any Time
5) Views from the Shell

Next, select five people to tag:
1) The Dark Lord
2) Odie
3) Portuguesa Nova
4) Bored Housewife
5) Jerry

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I had just turned 21. I was a junior in college, dating Sean, a jazz trumpet major who liked to spend his days sleeping and his nights smoking pot and eating Hot Pockets on his couch. His weird roommate (Ted) used to sleep fully-clothed (shoes too) with his lights on and with no covers.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Living in squalor with The Brit - wondering how my life had taken such a tragic turn - and thinking of ways to get the hell out of Dodge ... without hurting his feelings.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Chocolate Twizzlers
2. Dark chocolate Hershey Kisses
3. These amazing pretzel chips they only seem to sell at Costco
4. Teriyaki turkey jerky
5. Yogurt-covered almonds

Five songs you know all the words to:
1. “Hook” – Blues Traveler
2. “Square Dance” – Eminem
3. “Like A Cannonball” – Menudo
4. “My Favorite Things” – (“Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple streudel; doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles…”)
5. Just about any song by Queen

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Pay off all my debts (lame)
2. Pay off my family’s debts (lamer yet)
3. No longer endure teaching 6th grade drummers
4. Find a brilliant person to show me how to best invest and then …
5. Travel the world

Five bad habits:
1. I pick my teeth with the mail
2. I chew gum incessantly [chain-chew]
3. I doubt myself – often
4. I go through phases where I become addicted to computer solitaire, and play it when trying to escape from all things work-related
5. I procrastinate (see #4)

Five things you enjoy doing:
1. A good run in nice weather
2. The Sunday crossword w/a cup of coffee
3. Savoring a warm & fuzzy wine buzz
4. Threesomes with me, HIM and TiVo
5. Waking up early and realizing it’s a weekend, and then rolling over and going back to sleep

Five things you would never wear again:
1. “Mom-Ass” jeans (which sit just below the rib cage, allowing for maximum ass exposure – a truly flattering look)
2. Tucked-in button-down shirts (which go best with #1)
3. That pesky house-arrest anklet
4. Blue eyeshadow
5. The Under Armor sportsbra which chafed the hell out of my boob

Five favorite toys:
1. Hehe … no. Pervert.
2. “Podgie” (my iPod) & his friend Herr Bose
3. My laptop
4. The E.T. doll I got for Christmas in 1982
5. Okay… so yeah … maybe #1