Friday, December 09, 2005

Holiday Musical Revues from the Shell, Vol. I

While driving home from a fine evening (spent drinking Shiraz, eating moo shu and watching "Bridget Jones's Diary"), I tuned into 106.7 Lite FM. They've been playing Christmas carols 24/7 since before Thanksgiving. Admittedly, I haven't quite been feelin' the Christmas. But after today's big snow - and probably after a little too much Shiraz - the spirit was moving inside me (or it may have been the moo shu). A few observations...

** I heard a cover of John Lennon's "Happy Christmas" done by Celine Dion. I don't think she should be allowed to cover that song. Or any other song. In fact, Celine Dion should not be allowed to sing. Ever.

** Apparently this formula works: 1 run-of-the-mill singer (Bryan McKnight, etc) + crappy karaoke-type back-up recorded beat + way too much vibrato = SUCCESSFUL R&B BALLAD. And the formula also applies to HOLIDAY ballads.

** I am such a sucker for "O Holy Night". That bad-ass punk, Josh Groban totally kicked Michael Crawford's - and a bunch of other guy's - asses by making the high note at the end seem completely effortless, while they all seem to pop hernias trying to reach it. Then he proceeds to REPEAT it, and holds it out for like 15 minutes!! You go with your bad young self.

** Did Trans-Siberian Orchestra write anything else except that crappy metal version of 'Carol of the Bells'??

** Finally, tell me that Frank Sinatra carol "The Merry Bells" (or maybe it's "Happy Holidays" -- whatever) isn't one big sexual innuendo. For instance...

- "Santa's got a great big pack"
- "Leave a peppermint stick for Old Saint Nick"
- "Loop-de-doop, and dickery-dock, don't forget--"
(why do I always compelled to finish this rhyme with the word COCK?)

You ain't foolin' this savvy perv, Ol' Blue Eyes. I know what you're up to, and FRANKly, I'm disgusted.

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