CIRCLE OF LIFE

This afternoon I went back to my Alma Mater to hear a senior recital. The featured artist was Christian - the "little brother" of my high school friend, Sandra. I met Chris when he was a pain-in-the-ass, eight year-old brat. When I was in college and Chris was in high school, I used to give him trumpet lessons. Who would have ever thought he'd also go on to become a trumpet-playing, Music Ed. major?

Christian is somewhere in his twenties now. On top of going to school, he works 40 hours a week to support his wife, two year-old son, and second baby that looks as if its about to be born any day now. I can't even fathom that lifestyle, but I certainly hold him in the highest respect for working as hard as he does. He's a good man.

He played an excellent recital - lots of challenging pieces. I don't know when he finds the time to practice, but his tone and endurance were great. I remember back in college - and especially grad school - when I would spend four or five hours a day in a practice room. It seems like it was a different lifetime ago.

Christian studies trumpet with the same professor I did, and I saw him today for the first time in many years. I had an unbelievable crush on "Dr. C" and, in my senior year, learned the crush was mutual. We attempted an awkward relationship for a couple months but nothing significant transpired. It wasn't the real deal -- just two lonely hearts in two very different places in life.

The music building at my old college looked exactly as it had when I was a student ten years ago. Dr. C is still there helping to make music teachers. Christian will graduate and soon find himself standing in front of hundreds of kids, sharing the music... inspiring the future teachers.

And ten years from now, he might very well find himself drinking wine and blogging about the recital he'd just heard.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PUDGE!

Saturday we went to my brother's house for my nephew's first birthday party.

There were cute little kids milling about in the sunshine, eating cupcakes and playing with scooters, sandboxes and teeter-totters. If the maternal instincts were ever going to kick in, it would have been then.

Needless to say, they didn't. But as you can tell, there's not much I wouldn't do for this particular kid and his brother.

NEW APPROACH

There's a whole lot of turmoil going on in my school building because "The Administration" is moving everyone around to new teaching assignments. The changes wouldn't affect me even if I were staying because, let's face it, no one else would be stupid enough to want to teach the Band. But everyone else is up in arms and lots of tears are being shed. It really kind of blows.

Yesterday, I thought I might try a new approach to my last two months here. Rather than allowing it to continue sucking the life out of me, I decided to just let everything bounce off. I went up and spent time mingling with some of the disgruntled teachers and made it my job to say all the things that they were thinking but - as people concerned about their future employment - afraid to say. It was a good day. It added a bit of levity to a really negative situation.

Last night, HE and I were watching a couple travel programs that TiVo had recorded.

[Sidenote: I love TiVo so much more than I ever would have imagined... especially now that TiVo knows what I like to watch and goes out of his way to tape it for me. I love you, TiVo.]

The first one we watched was GlobeTrekker: California. God, I want to go to California. Not so much the southern part as the north. I wanna go to Big Sur and up to see the giant redwoods. I wanna hang out in Garberville and smoke some weed with the hippies. Most of all, I want NOT to be confined to a boring routine, paying out the ass to live in crappy New Jersey for the rest of my life.

I don't have the big dreams of a fancy wedding, white-picket fence or brood of children. I've never been a big fan of "stuff" -- as a matter of fact, I am probably one of the few women alive who detests shopping. I want to come up with a way to make a living while being able to travel around the world. I want to live simply and authentically. I want to live free.

Is that weird?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?

Kate's right (thanks, Kate) - what DO I have to lose? I guess I feel bad about being so NOT into school. I really just have to get through the next nine weeks and then I'm home free. But patience is not a virtue that I possess.

You know those people who PUSH right up to the very end? The people who see the finish line and kick up their speed, balls to the wall? That's not me - I fizzle out. I don't know why it is. I'm just having a really hard time staying motivated to be here. When I wake up in the morning and think about the classes that I have to face each day, I get this sinking thud in my stomach. It's just a bad way to be.

In other news, our governor is on his deathbed. On his way to a Don Imus assembly, the SUV he was riding in was involved in an accident. Guvna was travelling 91 MPH and he was not wearing a seatbelt. I have nothing else to say about that.

Parts of our state are still underwater from the weekend's nor'easter. Driving to work the past few days, I see confused but happy ducks swimming in parking lots. "Global warming is a hoax!" -- Um no, not really.

I don't really want to talk about the Virginia Tech thing because I don't really know what to say.

And Sanjaya is gone.

With all that crappiness in the rest of the world, I suppose I should shut the f**k up and appreciate just how easy my simple little life actually is.

WHAT'S GOING ON...

Alright. So now that it's 99.9% official, I guess I can declare: I will not be a public school music teacher next year. My proposal for a leave of absence has been approved and, for the first time in eight years, I will have a new job.

A 12-month/year job. A job that doesn't require spending 6 daily 42-minute periods trying to corral a group of prepubescent middle schoolers. A job I don't have to be at by 6:45 AM every day - a ridiculous hour that my body has never been able to accept. A job where I can go to the bathroom when I want to, instead of waiting until the 10:17 bell rings.

I am taking a position as "Director of Education" at a retail music store. I'll be in charge of managing and increasing their lesson studio; organizing professional development workshops for public school teachers; and developing new community music programs for kids and adults of all ages. It's a position that has never before existed. But the owners of the store bought a new 16,000 sq. ft. facility last year and it is absolutely AMAZING.

And I am so ready for a change.

But at the same time, I am scared to death on so many levels.

I'm lucky that the Board of Ed. has approved my leave. That way if things don't work out, my current job will still be there in a year. But I so desperately want for things to work out. If they don't, I cannot imagine having to return to the same ol' rut and routine. I guess I am most scared of that. I want so badly for the new job to be all that I dream it will - and I just don't want to be disappointed.

So for the past few weeks I have been feeling as if I'm in limbo - counting down the days until my life changes. And I have felt numb and angry and tired and sad. I've been seeing a really cool therapist who is great to talk to. Every week as I'm driving there I think, "What will I say to him today?" And every week without fail, I develop verbal diarrhea as soon as I sit down in his office. And it feels so good to just unload.

That's where I am. And why I think I need to blog more. It feels good to vent - clears the mind a little when I have to actually write out all that I am feeling.

I feel better already.

NUMB.

I need to blog more.

Except that right now I feel like my world - as I know it - is about to collapse.

But not for another two months.

So in the meanwhile, my brain is spinning out of control with all the things I should be doing.

And at the same time, I am paralyzed into numbness and I end up doing nothing.

I really need to blog more.

CREEEEEPY....

My friend PMcQ visited Savannah, GA over spring break and went on a haunted pub crawl. She got lots of photos with orbs in them, the best being this one:



I zoomed in on one of the brightest and swear to God I see an image in it:



If there's anyone out there who's actually reading this, click on the image to enlarge it and tell me what, if anything, you see. I wanna know if I am indeed crazy.

HAPPY EASTER!

FREEDOM OF RELIGION

Last night I played at a Palm Sunday 'concert' as part of a pretty good-sized orchestra. It was at one of those mega-churches, with three large screens surrounding the alter. While the choir sang and the instruments played (complete with nauseating 8th-note rock beat on the drumset) the lyrics were projected on the three screens so the congregation could sing along.

The minister of the church was a young guy with blindingly white teeth, perfect hair and three perfect children. His perfect wife was one of the soloists in the choir. He got up in the beginning of the service to say a prayer and to introduce the music director.

The musical work itself was titled "Jesus: No Other King" and was an arrangement of about eight songs - all related to, as you may have guessed, Jesus. Mainly about how we as human beings just flat out suck. How we should all get down on our knees and PRAISE JESUS every single day, and know we're not worthy and Jesus is THE WAY. There was also a lot of stuff about Jesus' blood.

I don't know. Church. Dogma. It all just makes my fur bristle. It seems so paradoxical to what "spirituality" feels like to me. Okay, so Jesus is the Son of God... but aren't we ALL God's children? Is God really this big, pissed-off man in the clouds, sitting up there smiting the sinners? That doesn't make sense. It didn't make sense when I was a kid in Sunday School and then Confirmation class. And it doesn't make sense now.

I looked out into the congregation and watched the people sing along - wondering if they questioned what it was they were saying. I wondered if anyone was as confused as I was. Then I just decided to sit back and play my trumpet the best that I could, happy to be a part of a peaceful group of people. Happy that I'd be receiving a check at the end of the evening that I could put towards costs of living the life with which I have been blessed.

And I realized it doesn't matter what anyone else believes.